Call of The Wild Woman - A Personal Share on Birth Trauma
Pictured: Me and my Newborn son around 2 weeks Postpartum.
To encounter Birth Trauma is a deeply painful and opening experience. It comes in unexpected, life-altering ways and often leaves us left to fumble through our lives as though we didn’t just get rocked to our core. In some ways, it felt like I was about to fall off the face of the Earth, walking through life tilted on my axis. All while wearing an ever-present mask of, “I’m doing okay, how are you?” when prompted. When a woman experiences birth trauma, she becomes inducted into a new Hall. To become a part of this group, one must endure unimaginable experiences like fighting for your voice to be heard, hemorrhaging, experiencing betrayal or abandonment from a care provider. These examples are but few that can occur. We have become, by way of a trial by fire; completely new Women. And we are often left to navigate our way through this unknown land of Birth Trauma, while caring for our tiny miracle of a human - or as a mother who has suffered tremendous loss - with no map or compass. We are for all intensive purposes: lost at sea.
After I gave birth to my first child, I struggled with comprehending my experiences during birth to the fullest extent. There were spaces within myself that would cause physical sensations of pain or garner a sharp inhale of anticipation as I delved into the treacherous waters of my own experience. I was left trying to poke and prod the wound in order to find out its cause, depth, healing stage. So that I may be able to take a breath in this new, torn-up body that is not plagued by deep, unwavering pain. Though words will ever give true breadth to these feelings, I was able to find peace in sharing. Telling our stories in all of their facets is a gift to us. It allows for the leftover thoughts and feelings to stop banging around inside of our bodies so that they can be released. It is not the end to all sufferings, but through true expression, we may begin to walk down the lane back to ourselves.
In the wake of all that my postpartum experience was, I specifically remember being tossed into strong postpartum depression, anxiety and rage suddenly and without my knowledge. My body, mind and spirit were trying to comprehend, accept, heal and integrate my birth story. All while I, in my entirety, could not begin to embark on the first step toward healing. And so… I stumbled. Blind, weary, tired as hell, leaking breasts, worried Mama-Me through the mess that I was in the wake of utter devastation. I had spent months - like many other excited pregnant women - lovingly tending to my growing baby and body. I imagined the type of birth I desired. One that deeply fulfilled my every wish and honored physiological birth and most importantly the spiritual aspects of this journey. This and much more were prepared for years in advance of conceiving my son. I spoke to my Spirit Babies often and specifically curated my Womb energetically for my first pregnancy. All of this preparation - only to feel like I had fallen short. I had subscribed to the Wild Pregnancy, Autonomous Birth Movements and held no reality for any other outcome in my mind or heart. I was convinced that because I have many spiritual gifts that I could of course manifest the birth I desired. Or at least something pretty damned close… right? Turns out, that was not what the Universe had in store for me. Let me tell you, I had one hell of a time. There was light, joy, excitement in my birth as much as there was fear, anger and anxiety. In the spaces between existed a plethora of other feelings - each one now something I hold in tender love.
The birth of my son was in fact an act of pure, cosmic alignment. His soul was weary, tired of Earth. He did not desire to reincarnate into a human body or any Earthly lifeform for that matter. To understand this fully, I will share some personal information with you. My son, current partner and I have all been together in a previous lifetime. In this lifetime, we were Vikings. Wild, Soulful, Ritualistically connected to the Earth people. The pure embodiment of free and fierce warriors who tended to the land by way of our sacred rites. My son had been conceived and carried with tender love and devotion. In both lifetimes, he was called forth by his Father and I. We sought his presence, invited him in and conceived him with intention. In today’s terms, you may also call this deeply spiritual, soul-led practice Conscious Conception. My partner and I made the decision together to stop trying to prevent a child, to release fears around the idea of conceiving a little one of our own and to also allow for any Spirit Babies to come through in their own divine timing. Little did we know that our son would choose to come in less than a month later.
During my pregnancy with my son, I was taken deeply into the spirit realms. I was called to revisit every fear, thought, past action and more to deep-dive into who I was as The Maiden and who I was becoming as I transitioned into The Mother. After I birthed my son and did some soul searching, I came to the knowledge that the 3 of us had repeated a karmic pattern in order to heal a deep soul-wounding that had occurred in our Viking Lifetimes together. In both birth experiences, I labored for 3 days at home with my waters open, my son’s umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice and he was sunny-side up or in the Occiput Posterior Position. In that ancient lifetime, we had delivered my son with the same Midwife and under the same circumstances, but to deliver via Cesarean in those times meant certain death. And in that lifetime, I died giving birth to my beautiful boy. There were many other things we experienced during our birth that led to birth trauma. Such as: cervical checks/fingers inserted when I denied those practices, which brought up the abuse I endured as a child, or the gaslighting/abandonment of my chosen care provider and even being treated like we were bad people by hospital staff because I desired a birth that was different from what they understood. Hospital Staff are trained to be suspicious of a Woman that chooses to carry, labor with and birth her children outside of the Medical Industrial Complex. This training caused great emotional and physical pain in what was already a difficult labor and birth.* My opinions are my own and I will never judge another Woman for her experiences and decisions surrounding birth. I just want for there to be more open conversations about these truths. My birth trauma is not something to be swept under the rug for the sake of comfort and neither is that of anyone you may know. I know I am not alone & that my story is not the last that results in unnecessary trauma of the MotherBaby. You can imagine how deeply we were affected during this birthing process - to undergo very similar circumstances again with both our soul knowledge of the past and the physical feelings that we now have wrapping into one experience that was both painful as hell and provided a karmic healing. To be honest, I believe we all 3 have some trauma to work through over our birth. Still, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. You see, I not only was able to experience holding, kissing, nursing my newborn son in this lifetime; I am able to raise him with my partner. We get to live this beautiful life of ours - together.
In my early Postpartum days, I desperately looked on every platform and search engine I could imagine for someone who held similar beliefs as I did that could help me through this doorway and into the next version of myself. I found no one offering spiritual healings specifically geared toward Birth Trauma. I have since found many women who specialize in womb healing, but they each have their own ways of doing things, much of which are vastly different from the ways I desired to be held, accepted and nourished. I was desiring the wise woman version of myself. To see, feel, hear her wisdom as I processed one of the deepest wounds my Soul has had to date. There are so many things that go into the process of conception, pregnancy, birth & postpartum even before we get into the nitty-gritty of your personal soul history. It is only through my soul’s knowledge and the fact that I am a holder of the Akasha (Akashic Records) that I was able to receive this sacred information. Without this knowledge, I doubt that I would have been able to move forward with the strength and gratefulness that I have. Do not mistake this sentence for me not having gone through it - because girl I was in the trenches for what felt like a long time after having my son.
This Rite of Passage that I walked gave me so many gifts. One of the greatest was the decision to walk back onto my soul path as a Womb Priestess (someone who has ancient knowledge, a spiritual calling and the personal experiences to tenderly hold the Wombs of other Women, helping them along their paths into the Highest Alchemy of Self). As someone who has experienced several key moments in life where I was called into pain, acceptance and healing through the Womb Space, I can personally attest to how powerful we as Women are. No other being holds the Spiritual energies of life and death so intimately within their bodies, hearts and souls. We are The Bringers of Life. Our Wombs hold an endless array of innate wisdom, soul knowledge and DNA/Light Codes within. As such, it is paramount that Women be taught from a young age to connect with their Womb. To honor their individual Rites of Passage, to be seen and held by Wise Women throughout each journey further into self. This and so much more calls forward from my body and soul like a beacon. And I wonder: Do you hear it too? The Call of the Wild Woman urging you to come back home to the Ancient Ways: existing in deep connection with your Soul, Mother Earth & the Heavens. I am here in this time to support as many Women as I can in finding peace and healing after encountering Womb-related Trauma. As such, I have crafted several womb-centered offerings ranging from helping heal S. Abuse, Birth Trauma Healing to Spirit Baby Readings and more. Wherever you ache, Woman, I see you. I honor you in all of your mysticism and magnitude and I am here for you.
*There is more to share, but I do not feel quite ready to bear my entire soul on the internet at this moment. One day, I will be called to share and answer with love and peace in my heart. What I will say is this: life is what you make of it. There will be hardships and there will be joys both of a greater magnitude than you could ever have imagined. In those times, lean in, for there is greatness to be had if you have the courage and grit to find your personal power and strength through life’s experiences.